Can’t or Won’t

Mitch Schneider
October 15, 2020

After all I’ve been through over the past two months there is an entire universe of things I’d like to talk about both here and on my site.

No… Things I need to talk about.

The problem is an overall compulsion to talk about something else. Something that transcends the desire to share other issues. Issues I believe truly deserve a place here. It isn’t that I can’t talk about these other issues. I certainly can! Meaning I am physically capable and mentally able. I just can’t get it done. My subconscious keeps pulling me back to what it wants to see on the page and in the video. And, nothing is going to happen until I allow that to happen. So, here it goes.

Since my most recent series of hospitalizations beginning on August 30, my subconscious has been tormenting me with fear. An unavoidable, inexorable, and inescapable fear centered on a node discovered in the first X-Ray I received on admission. Countless things can produce a nodule. An enlarged lymph node. Pneumonia. Infection. Possibly, even pleurisy. The problem is cancers can also appear as nodules on the lungs. And, it is not knowing that drives that irrational fear.

I Can’t Help Myself…

Ultimately, my pulmonologist scheduled an FDG (fluorodeoxyglucose—FDG) PET (positron emission tomography) Scan to ensure there was nothing to worry about. I start worrying when people tell me there is nothing to worry about. You see, I can deal with the fear associated with knowing what is going on in my body. It’s consistent with my overall certainty that pain is good!

It’s the stuff I can’t feel or see that drives me nuts. It’s the not knowing that keeps you up at night.

I waited from the beginning of September until yesterday for the test. Until last night for the results. My pulmonologist called late in the evening to inform us the results were negative. That the node was the result of inflammation most likely caused by pleurisy, pneumonia, the pericarditis, or, perhaps, all three. And, that’s what my subconscious needed to hear.

It needed to place relief where fear had ruled and I can’t say that’s an altogether bad thing! At least, now I get to press the reset button and get started on everything else I’ve been wanting to share.




  1. John Ball
    October 19, 2020

    Thank you for sharing your story. It's powerful.

    Reply Reply
    • Mitch Schneider
      October 22, 2020

      Thank you, John... Always hoping the sharing will help someone else embarked upon the same path. The truth is we are all still far more alike than we are different, sharing the same wants, needs, and expectations. Thank you for reaching out!

      Reply Reply

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